My white friends, I am writing from a place of desperation, of sadness and of fear. My family – black husband, brown kids and white me – is losing hope in the policing system and we aren’t the only ones; many have already lost hope. These professional public servants, trained to protect and to serve, do not feel safe for our family – in fact the police represent real danger.

White friends, I write specifically to you because I trust that you wish for us all to feel and be safe. If you know my family, I trust that you value the lives of my black husband and brown children just as much as you value my white life. I write to you because maybe, like me, another white person, your individual experience with police is not overrun with fear. I write to you because change is needed; because we cannot change what we have yet to acknowledge and because whiteness makes it easy for us to not see and to not engage.

This week another video of police using excessive force against a black person was shared publicly. In the footage police shoot Jacob Blake several times in the back, at close range, in the middle of the day, with his 3 young children nearby to witness it all. Whether or not you saw this video – or others that make visible similar events – can you hear me? Can you see that there is a lack of similar stories and videos documenting violent and lethal responses of police toward white people like me and you? 

Too many times my family has seen my black husband targeted, singled out, detained, pulled out of line, followed, closely watched in public spaces and pulled over by the police. Too many times police officers are aggressive in their approach to him – even though he’s done nothing wrong, even though he is polite and even though he follows every command exactly. Too many times my family leaves these interactions feeling scared, helpless and hopeless. Too many times it has been confirmed that the reason he was targeted, the reason for aggression, disrespect and harsh treatment, is his black skin.

Please understand that our family has a clear comparison – my white skin affords me a very different experience with police. Please note that playing devil’s advocate, offering ideas about bad apples or supplying responses aimed at explaining my family’s experience differently from how we experienced it, simply tells us you’ve not heard, felt and believed our lived truth. Please understand that though your white experience and my white experience differ, what happens with my husband and so many people of color is very real. Please know that discounting this reality which differs from a white reality, puts black and brown lives in danger.

If you can’t see or understand the pain and fear I’m now expressing, do you know why that might be? Is something holding you back from legitimizing this reality of my family and of so many families of color? It can’t be not hearing because I am telling it to you now. It can’t be not knowing because video after video and witness after witness put it in public record.

I don’t have eloquent platitudes or wise insights. This week, I have only desperation, sadness and fear. Can you hear me say this is real – that racism is real and that it is deadly? If not, can you please ask and answer why?

Looking for more information on how we can work to end police violence today – go to 8cantwait.org

For resources that I’ve found helpful in exploring whiteness and race go here

For data about police and disrespect during everyday interactions go here