A portrait of my family by a favorite young artist of mine.

For as long as I can remember, white has been a part of who I am. Whiteness has long informed my sense of self and ideas of belonging. My problem is that who I want to become is at odds with the whiteness that I’ve known in the world. Whiteness is like an old friend who’s always been there – so familiar I almost don’t know how to understand myself or the world without it.

I’ve witnessed whiteness as sort of an exclusive social and political position one inherits based on skin color. To be white is no little thing, this skin color of mine holds meaning. Whiteness is a story about an ideal. It is a culture created to support, sustain and justify othering with the intent to benefit some people – no matter the latent or actual harm. The whiteness I found myself belonging to was made to serve racism and that does not work for me.

But my identity is not static, it’s active and filled with possibility – responding to relationships and the world around me. That’s the beauty of the self, we are able to grow and change in amazing ways. So, as I evolve and more closely resemble who I wish to be, my relationship with whiteness must also change.

I’ve learned that when I succumb to the ways of my old friend whiteness, I am not my best self. Though on surface whiteness seemed to provide me belonging, it ultimately works to divide – because that’s what it was created to do. It racializes people into groups, dehumanizes and devalues. It disjoins my country, the United States, from our highly held ideals. It disconnects me from my humanity, the things I hold dear and the people that I love.

This space is my attempt to open up about how I’ve been examining whiteness and working out a different way to be white and inviting other white people to join me. It is a space for growth, accountability and support. Welcome, friend.